Terms like “self-love” and “self-compassion” are thrown around a lot these days as important qualities to cultivate, but for many of us, they unfortunately feel out of reach. Whether we get stuck in negative thought cycles of criticism and comparison, or whether we simply have trouble finding our own sense of worth, our inability to love ourselves often feels like just one more weakness or failure. Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher and author, defines self-compassion this way:

“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

So what holds us back from embodying self-compassion? Take note of the following key tendencies that may block us from finding self-love; do they show up for you?

Over-sensitizing ourselves to our shortcomings

Everyday, judgments about ourselves and others pop up in our thoughts. Within our own minds, however, many of us get so used to our own experience of the world - our own one-sided viewpoints - that we don’t fully take in our positive qualities. We judge ourselves unfairly. The negative qualities that we hope to change become the loudest and most repeated, while the positive qualities that we appreciate are often silenced and taken for granted. We don’t see ourselves clearly and honestly, like we might see a friend.

Holding the distorted belief that self-love equals narcissism

Sometimes, we incorrectly assume that truly liking ourselves will lead to laziness, self-centeredness, and/or a plateau of personal or professional progress. The truth is, however, that motivation for self-improvement that comes from shame - from the goal of avoiding feelings of worthlessness - is never sustainable and is often incredibly painful. Motivation that comes from a place of genuine self-love, on the other hand, is long-lasting and powerful. Self-compassion is not the same thing as holding an inflated sense of self-importance, and this is an important distinction.

Falling prey to social comparison

Whether it is on social media, in the workplace, or in our families, we often compare our full, internal, lived experience to the external, curated “highlight reels” of others. This form of comparison is not only unfair, as it is like comparing apples to oranges, but it is also rooted in the belief that our measurable qualities - how much money we make, our appearance, our job status - are more important than our immeasurable qualities - how we treat others, what we value, how we show up in the world.

If any of these tendencies show up for you, you may be asking, what are some practices that can help me to cultivate self-compassion?

Offset self-criticism with factual strengths

When you find yourself stuck in cycles of criticism, do your best to acknowledge your strengths. For each “mess up” or “failure,” actively remind yourself of three of your strengths. What went right? What are you proud of?

Treat yourself as you treat others

Think about the bar you have for other people; do you hold yourself to the same standards that you hold others to?

Try a guided reflection

We love this guided reflection from author and psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson. It might help to journal about it, or sit in a quite place and reflect:

Think about a person in your life who you are an ally for, someone whose side you are on. Conjure up your sense that they deserve fairness, justice, and decency, despite their shortcomings and challenges. Notice the compassion that you feel for their pain and difficulties. Recognize your “muscular” desire to help them - whether it is calling them to genuinely listen, attending a difficult appointment with them, or helping them with a difficult task.
Now, apply this same thought-process to yourself. Look at yourself as someone who accurately deserves decency, fairness, and justice. Do you hold yourself to the same standards that you hold others to? Conjure up compassion for yourself. Notice your pain and your desire to relieve your pain. Recognize your “muscular” desire to mobilize on your own behalf - to set boundaries, to say no, to embark on difficult conversations, to stand for yourself.

Seek external input:

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, cultivating self-compassion can be a difficult journey to travel alone. It can be immensely helpful to have a trusted professional hold up a mirror in order to see ourselves as we see others. An effective therapist is not trained to shower you with unearned compliments or to boost your self-esteem superficially, but to help you dig deep into your inherent goodness - to see it clearly and honestly - and to equally acknowledge both your desire for growth and change with a recognition of the love you already deserve.

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Cultivating Self-Compassion: What Does Self-Love Really Mean?