Setting Boundaries: What does that really mean?
The phrase “setting boundaries” has become a ubiquitous part of our mainstream culture: personal conversations, professional relationships, and social media are all rife with the idea that “boundaries” must be set, but there is still confusion over what this actually means and how to set boundaries effectively. Most of us probably believe that “setting boundaries” looks like saying no and/or protecting our energy, and while this is sometimes true, it doesn’t reflect the whole picture.
Rigidity vs. Enmeshment
There are actually two sides of the “boundaries” coin: one is rigidity, and the other is enmeshment. Rigid boundaries occur when we are isolated and disconnected from one another, and they make emotional connection and intimacy very difficult. Usually, we set rigid boundaries out of a subconscious desire for protection; no one can hurt us when we have our walls up. Rigid boundaries might look like shutting down a compelling idea or person in order to stay safe, having difficulty trusting others, being quick to cut people out of your life, or needing things to be done your way. On the other hand, enmeshment occurs when we have little independence, and our own internal emotional state is often dependent on the emotional states of those close to us. Usually, we set enmeshed boundaries out of a subconscious need for approval or affirmation at the expense of our own autonomy. Enmeshed boundaries might look like not asking for what you want or need, oversharing personal information, bypassing your own needs to serve the needs of others, or allowing others to mistreat you.
Clear Boundaries
Somewhere in between these two extremes are clear boundaries. Clear boundaries are defined beautifully by Prentis Hemphill: they are “the distance at which I can love both you and me simultaneously.” Clear boundaries leave room for both autonomy and connection. They are set with the intention that self-love is the prerequisite for connection with others. They keep our hearts open while our feet are grounded. They are safe.
Roadblocks
While we can set boundaries that say “no,” we can also set boundaries that say “yes.” Boundaries are about being very clear with the people in our lives about what is okay and what is not okay. Oftentimes, fear is the factor that holds us back from setting boundaries: fear of being disliked for setting a boundary that might be hard for someone else to adjust to, or fear of rejection for opening ourselves up to closeness and intimacy with someone. These fears may, in fact, come true, but what is most important to remember is that the ripple effects that occur after a boundary is set, while sometimes painful and difficult, usually root our lives in a place of self-love and self-respect. If you don’t like my boundary because it is uncomfortable or inconvenient, but I need it in order to feel safe, then I am acting from a place of self-love, and I don’t need your approval anyways. Your feelings around my needs are your responsibility, not mine. Conversely, if I open myself up to you and my heart is broken, I have the dignity and self-respect to know that I pursued my desires, and I also respect you enough to understand that our desires do not match. In both instances, we open or close parts of ourselves from a place of self-respect.
We can set boundaries with our families, friends, coworkers, and most importantly, ourselves. Families can be particularly difficult, because in our society, blood relations often take precedence over our own peace. Moreover, especially for individuals who experience oppression on the basis of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, etc., setting boundaries with systems and institutions can feel daunting, if not impossible. While we don’t always have the power to restructure harmful systems, we can in very small ways we can advocate for ourselves and our space. If you are struggling with these concepts or need additional guidance, a relational and systemically trained therapist can offer clarity and structure around the process of setting boundaries in your life.
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