Methods for Couples to Repair After a Disagreement

Conflict and disagreement are normal, and to some extent unavoidable, parts of being in an intimate relationship. Times will come up when a difference in needs, desires, or preferences, or just misunderstandings, lead to challenging communication. There are several strategies for de-escalating conflict that you can apply on your own or explore with a Repose therapist, but what about after the conflict ends? You may be left feeling activated, angry, drained, disconnected, confused, or some combination of these emotions and more. You may have come to a conclusion in the disagreement, but maybe you didn’t and it feels like the conversation’s only outcome was to make you upset. Here are a number of strategies for repair that you can consider.

Self-Soothing

Often, if you’re feeling activated, the first step in an effective repair attempt is to get back to a regulated state. If you try to re-engage before then, it may just lead back into another conflict. Some somatic strategies may be helpful, such as yoga/breath awareness, a brief centering meditation, going for a walk, or other mindfulness approaches. It could also be helpful to journal in order to organize your thoughts and feelings.

Express Your Needs

When you are more regulated, consider what would make the conflict feel resolved and help you feel connected to your partner. If the conflict was resolved but you are still feeling some tension, consider what would make you feel more connected, whether that is engaging in a hobby together, sharing physical affection, or making a plan for an upcoming date. It may be helpful to reflect on your and your partner’s love languages to identify what makes you feel cared for. In voicing a request for connection, using a positive framing and providing emotional context is more likely to land well with a partner (for example, “I would love to cook a fun meal together tonight, it would make me feel connected and I think it would help me relax”).

If the conflict has not been resolved, take some time to reflect while in this regulated state on what your needs or opinions are and what you think your partner was trying to express from their perspective. See if you can find any common ground or see things from their perspective. Then, collaborate with your partner to find a calm time to revisit the topic when you are not stressed with other responsibilities and not feeling rushed. You may also want to try a repair exercise from the Gottman Method of couples therapy called “Aftermath of a Fight” that guides you through sharing your emotional experience and subjective reality with your partner, and taking turns understanding and validating the other’s perspective.

Identify Any Patterns

Sometimes even if you repair after a conflict, you notice over time that it keeps coming up. If you are experiencing a pattern of repeated disagreements or distress relating to the same topic, especially if you find once calmer that there was a misunderstanding involved, it’s possible that past experiences are coloring the way you or your partner is engaging in the current relationship. A common example would be if requests for alone time feel like rejection to one partner but the other partner just views it as a normal part of being an introvert or needing to recharge. Exploring such patterns on your own or with a therapist could be beneficial in breaking the pattern.

Reach out to us to learn more about couples therapy.