As South Asians, we grew up with the pressure to do great in all that we do. We were coined the model minority and we faced the pressure of upholding certain images of both ourselves and our family. This meant things concerned with our futures like getting into a good school, getting married, then having a good job and buying a house. A lot of the focus surrounded the approval of others-not just our parents, but also extended family and the communities in which we grew up in.

This may have created an intense need for perfectionism, where grades dictated our self-worth, or getting into that special program meant that we would be seen, or maybe getting that award meant that you wouldn’t have to handle criticism or negativity from those that you care about. This at a young age can teach us so many things about ourselves that may not be necessarily true. We started navigating life through fear: fear of not making it, fear of losing approval, fear of not being enough. It teaches that in order to receive love or pride, you must earn it and that as soon as we stop achieving, we become unworthy.

As we grow into our adult selves we are met with many more ideas and opportunities when it comes to our own lives. Suddenly we’re out in the real world. We aren’t receiving high marks so easily, we aren’t getting everything that we apply for, or we just aren’t reaching satisfaction or fulfillment because no matter how far we go, something is still missing. Still, we have the need to prove ourselves and uphold an image. It seems that messing up or straying from that path would ruin all of that and bring shame to you and your family. It becomes a hard question to navigate, “do we do what makes us happy and fear losing the love and acceptance from our families, and maybe even ourselves, or do we continue doing what we are ‘supposed’ to be doing?” We may have an underlying feeling of guilt, one that tells us we owe it to our parents because after all, they did come here and sacrifice their lives to give us a better life. It seems as though whichever way we go, we are losing something. This could very well then create feelings of inadequacy and cause a lack of love for ourselves.

This lack of love manifests because we have always relied on external validation or praise from those closest to us instead of ourselves. We had gone all our lives striving for goals that were not our own. We set unattainable standards, like the need to be perfect, upon ourselves, perhaps rooting from the standards we grew up with. When we are at a point where we are not proud of ourselves, this can only take us so far. We start self-criticizing and thinking that there is something wrong with us rather than putting the blame on something that is simply unachievable. This can create a lowered self esteem which oftentimes connects to stress, anxiety, and depression. Although this journey is tough and requires a lot of unlearning and relearning about ourselves, it is something that is attainable and can be achieved over time! CONTACT US to learn more about Therapy for South Asian Communities and how we can help you on your journey.

Perfectionism in South Asian Culture: How it Can Lead to Feelings of Inadequacy