You had a few dates with someone who you really connected with but it seems they don't feel the same way- what now?
First and foremost congratulations on putting yourself out there. Take a minute to congratulate your strength and vulnerability!
Closure
This is especially true with people we're emotionally invested in. When we’ve been ghosted, it can make us feel like we aren't interesting, attractive, or even lovable enough. While these initial thoughts are completely normal and valid, here are some things to keep in mind when dealing with a ghoster. As an important disclaimer, this short article won’t be a cure-all for a broken heart but hopefully provide insight for you.
What is ghosting?
Ghosting can be characterized by cutting all contact with someone, usually romantically and with no warning or explanation. This behavior can happen at any stage of a relationship. A person may choose to take part in ghosting others for many reasons. Although it may be difficult, try to resist the urge for your mind to wander the why’s of being ghosted. At the end of the day, all that you have to go off of are their actions. If someone says one thing but acts completely opposite, it may be time to consider their true feelings for you. Remember that how they treat others is a reflection not of you but of how they feel about themselves. It is not your fault for being ghosted. There was nothing you could have said or done to prevent this behavior in someone else.
So how do we move past it?
A well-written article from TruthDig (2024), divulges treating being ghosted like a loss of a relationship. Take your time to grieve the loss of connection and feel their absence when necessary. If you haven’t known them for a very long time, the loss of potential may also hurt. It’s a lot easier said than done, however it’s important to try not to internalize the actions of someone else. Remain mindful of that this individual is only showing you who they truly are through their actions.
Here are three ways to tackle being ghosted from a licensed therapist:
Self-compassion: Be sure to give yourself grace when dealing with the emotional aftermath of being ghosted. It may be easy to get angry with yourself and slip into negative self-talk. Avoid should statements regarding your situation. Identifying thoughts such as ‘should’ statements can make us feel helpless and drive home the concept that our actions would have led to a different outcome. The outcome likely would have remained the same, even in hindsight. The goal is to reframe unnecessary automatic negative self-talk or thoughts. These thoughts are often the ones we reach for when things tend to fall through.
Distraction (When Appropriate): Focusing on what is in your control can provide comfort when very little is up to you. Spending active but solitary time with yourself and relying on your social circle is a great way to garner support. Activities such as finding meaningful activities can provide a purpose. The purpose of distraction is not avoidance, but to allow for reprieve from heavy emotional moments. Pockets of distraction can be likened to the eye of a storm— a break from the chaos in the wake of an emotional disaster. Allow yourself to ebb and flow between phases of feeling and distraction when necessary.
Radical Acceptance: This one may take a little longer— take as long as you need to build up to this phase of healing. Learning to emotionally let go of the individual and accept the situation has no hard and fast rule. For most people, closure is ideal— but it is not the standard when dealing with a ghoster. Radical acceptance is not that you approve of the situation or the actions for the individual— but that you wholeheartedly acknowledge all who they were, are, and will never be. The aim is to release yourself and your emotional state from the confines of frustration and hurt.
Hopefully, this article offers a perspective and comfort in that feelings that accompany being ghosted are normal and to be expected. Managing your expectations for healing and your support structure are key factors in the healing process. Like all things. coping skills do have their limitations. If you feel being ghosted has impacted you more than you personally feel it should, Repose is here to help. Reach out today to speak with one of our therapists about these difficult feelings.
