Being Together Whilst Living Apart: How to Sustain Long-distance Relationships
Society tells us that for a union to exist, the union must exist as one. You must live together, love together, exist together. Build a home, share a home, firmly plant your feet on the same soil as your significant other(s).
So what happens when circumstances force distance? When circumstance creates a wedge between two longing hands? Does the foundation of your relationship have to crack? Is rupture destined?
In 2021, now more than ever, relationships look slightly “unconventional”. You may have been forced to return home after years of living abroad, you may have been deployed to a new location because your home location shut down, maybe you are an ex-pat or maybe you found love in a place or country you would least expect whilst traveling for work, maybe you’re done with school as an international student and didn’t find a job as an immigrant and have been forced to return home, maybe your significant other goes to school in a different state, or maybe you found love on the internet. Variances in the nature of relationships here are endless. But the one thing these folks in such relationships all have in common is that their love feels far away, and they're scared.
But does fear have to shake the foundation of your relationship?
Here are some strategies to utilize when you are living apart from your significant other(s):
Technology is your friend: At this point, we’re all sick of the internet, but the truth is, this is all we’ve got right now! Use video chat as frequently as you can, yes audio calls are easier, but you want a visual reminder of who this person is and what they mean to you. Try to build in daily moments of connections, cook meals together, brush your teeth together (might be at different times, but too much dental hygiene never hurt!), try to get creative and sustain your usual couples routines, schedule a fixed weekly time for just “you and me” time - whether that looks like date night, movie night, or a night where the only purpose of your call is to take a “virtual nap”.
Apart but still intimate: For some physical touch is necessary for intimacy. Being apart from your partner if this is important to you can feel difficult. However, although there is no direct substitute for touch, intimacy can still exist. Talking to each other about your fantasies, or wishes for when you are reunited can still keep the excitement alive in your relationship. Discuss the fantasies you may have had through the course of your life, fantasies about each other, write out a fantasy bucket list for you and your partner(s).
Be intentional, intentional, intentional: It’s easy to take “being present” with our partner(s) for granted when we are in person. We’re either on our phones, zoning out, or checking out when the other talks. A long-distance relationship allows you to add intentionality to the quality time you spend together. It may seem “easier” to talk to your partner on facetime whilst rushing to class, but, it’s also likely that if this is the only communication you have, that the other partner(s) might feel dismissed, forgotten, or unimportant. Allocate time to spend with just each other, without distractions. During this time frame, tune into your partner, hear their words, and vice versa.
Visualize and plan for your future: No one will deny that being apart is painfully difficult, but the key message we hope to communicate to you here is that -- don’t let this difficulty cloud the foundation of your love. Plan ahead. Fantasize about what your reunion might look like, what might you say to them, what would the reunion feel like. Make plans. Think of how you can make this reunion happen, where would you like to meet them, what are the things you would like to do together? Having something to look forward to makes the present feel less painful.
If you feel like despite your efforts, that your relationship is hurting, you still have options. Couples therapy is one way to find your love for each other again, and tune out all the noise. At Repose, we offer international telehealth services for couples that are dispersed across the globe. Our state-of-the-art virtual platform allows us to provide safe, secure, and confidential couples therapy. Our clinical staff is rigorously trained in using modern couples therapy modalities such as The Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy & Internal Family Systems Therapy. Our couples therapists are multi-cultural, multi-racial, and multilingual. If you are ready to find your way back to love, REACH OUT TO US to learn more about COUPLES THERAPY.
- Prerna Menon, LCSW, CTP, SIFI