Managing Dating Anxiety When in College
Managing Dating Anxiety When in College
College is a time of drastic change in the lives of young adults. Teens are required to begin a new life away from home, with an increased sense of responsibility. Changes in social dynamics are anxiously anticipated as opposed to high school where young adults may have had a solid group of friends over several years. This time of transition may hold feelings of fear, anxiety, worry, and even grief. Grief surrounding the life they had before.
For those with no difficulty in social environments, this may be a time of wonder, curiosity, and excitement. The opportunity to meet others or the possibility of reinventing oneself in college is an enthralling idea. However, this is not the experience of all young adults. Individuals with social anxiety or dating anxiety might see this period of their life as a time of terror, particularly when it comes to dating in college. The anxiety associated with even the thought of dating may result in the avoidance of it altogether. You may say to yourself “I don’t have the bandwidth to date” or “It’s too much work”. However, this unconscious avoidance can be deeply damaging as it results in the reinforcement of pre-existing anxious, fearful and self-hating thoughts.
Intimate relationships can be conceptualized as a mirror, a mirror that shows us the worst and best of us. They can either add to our list of wounds or be the thing that soothes them. When we come by the right relationship, it can feel ethereal and unexplainable, but when anxiety exists in the shadows, it can steal the excitement and magic from not only the relationship but the process of finding a relationship too.
Kashdan and Roberts’s (2006) research findings uncovered that "Unfamiliar [social] experiences evoke feelings of both anxiety (due to conflicts with existing knowledge and feelings of low personal control) and curiosity (due to a natural propensity for pursuing potential rewards and personal growth opportunities)." In other words, social situations can be deeply frightening whilst also being deeply exhilarating. Kashdan and Roberts learned that “focus” (on anxiety or curiosity) determines how social situations are experienced. Regardless of the level of anxiety felt by participants, individuals who employed “curiosity” enjoyed social/dating interactions more than non-curious individuals.
3) Assume that your date knows something that you don’t- Everyone has their own opinions to share. You may not agree with them, and you may not want to reason with them, but approach your conversation with curiosity. Be curious about their life and experiences.
4) Ask questions, but invite questions too: Ask questions, and be curious about your date’s life. But also share your opinions and thoughts. Offer something up about yourself too, so you invite and welcome questions in return.
Dating anxiety in college is real. Particularly in the era of COVID, technology might feel like the only avenue to explore dating through. So, maybe you need some extra support! At Repose, our therapists have extensive experience in working with undergraduate, graduate, and Ph.D. students. We understand the struggles of being at school and navigating love. We are also in-network with NYU’s Wellfleet Health Insurance Plan, Columbia’s Student Health Insurance Plan, and are preferred providers with NYU, Columbia, Sarah Lawrence College, Barnard, SVA NYC, Juilliard, Yeshiva University, and FIT.
REACH OUT to know more about our therapy services for EMERGING ADULTS AND STUDENTS.
- Prerna Menon, LCSW, CTP, SIFI
How can we apply these findings to our lives?
Using curiosity in real-time allows us to work through the overwhelming sense of dating anxiety in general. Date after date, the process gets easier and feels less daunting. The beast that is the “dating world” no longer has a paralyzing effect over you. So..
1) Have an expansive mindset - Anything is possible! We often lean towards all the things that could go wrong in any given situation. But what if we asked ourselves “What could go right here?” “what would happen if I wasn’t anxious and leaned in?” “Even if this person isn’t for me, what can I get out of this date?”. Suspend judgment and concern. Remain grounded and present during your date. Ground your feet firmly on the floor, remember to breathe, and tune into the experience with your date.
2) Keep yourself distracted: by them, not yourself - Really zoom into what your date is saying. If you’re beginning to get wrapped up in your thoughts, tune into their words, notice their gestures, and body language. Step away from your mind and its chitter-chatter, and tune into your environment and partner.
